It’s grown cold in Michigan, and twice I’ve had the fireplace going. Last night I was so tired, I forgot to shut it off (gas fireplace), so hubby did it after he watched the end of a disappointing Lion’s game.
I admit, I don’t really mind the cold when I’m wrapped in a down coat, though I definitely needed more than mesh shoes today. But it’s one of those gloomy days where the sun doesn’t shine, and I’m working at home alone, and let’s face it, being alone for too long is something none of us enjoys. We were made for community, and sometimes I forget how much I need that.
We are also made for communion with God, and sometimes I forget that even more. I read all kinds of things about God, but there are times when I don’t spend time actually in God’s presence. Oh I may pray, but I don’t listen very well. Anyone else?
That is, I read Scripture for my books, and I read other people’s commentaries on Scripture, but sometimes I don’t just pick up the Bible for personal growth, to allow the Spirit to speak to me.
Have you ever been in a one-way conversation? I have. And guilty as charged, sometimes I’m the one doing all of the talking instead of most of the listening.
That’s how it feels with God sometimes. It’s like I need to play catch-up because I’ve spent hours in honest, heart-felt or heart-broken prayers to Him, pouring out my emotions like the psalmists of old or lamenting like the prophets of ancient days, but I don’t stop long enough to listen to Him speak His words back to me.
How easy it is to get caught up in our struggles and trials and the emotions we battle and not go to the One who can handle them best. I’ve been praying and hoping today for someone to talk to, someone to call me, when what I realized after a long walk to the park and some ensuing hot chocolate, is that I didn’t need a person as much as I need the Person who can truly help me.
I’ve done a lot of grieving, self-examination and recrimination of late, sometimes beating a subject or myself up for things I can’t fix or change. And I pray for grace to get through it all, to change the way I think. My circumstances may not change, but my attitude can. I woke up this morning thinking of the verses that speak of letting God renew our minds. Be transformed by the renewing of our minds. It matters a lot what we think.
It matters what we say and who we listen to and what we do. I read Ephesians today, in an effort to “catch up” on listening to God, I came across these verses:
“With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.”
Hopelessly confused. Yeah. Sometimes I’ve been there. I think if we’re honest, we all have been more confused than wise. God tells us to ask Him for wisdom and we discover wisdom in His Word, but so often we put that aside and seek wisdom on our own.
But my wisdom isn’t really very wise. I say things I wish I could take back. I live moments I wish had do-overs. I distrust the One person who is most trustworthy simply because He isn’t answering my prayers as fast as I want Him to. Or maybe He just seems silent and I get impatient. Anyone else feel the same?
But if I look back for a moment, I can number countless prayers He has answered, miracles I’ve lived to see, and grace given to a heart that seems in constant need of help or healing.
The Bible tells us that “A broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” God loves it when we are honest in our brokenness. When we’re afraid. When we’re tested. When we feel pretty hopeless. When we’ve sinned against Him or just blown it and can’t fix it. Those are the kinds of prayers God loves.
When we lie to ourselves or hide our true feelings from Him, when we close up and won’t share our hearts with anyone, we disobey His call to community. Some of us are better at this than others. Sometimes I’m pretty open and other times I feel like I can’t trust anyone. So I pull inward, but that really isn’t healthy in the long run. If we pull inward, we tend to want to escape somehow from our own inner strife.
I guess hot chocolate and a long cold walk taught me something today. I’ve got a long way to go though when it comes to letting God have the things that make me cry out in those honest prayers. I need to spend lots of time listening to His answers.
~Selah
