Words you would rather not hear

I find a lot of joy in hearing our baby granddaughter say new words. She’s learning to repeat things and to hear her say, “Nana and Papa” just sort of has a way of melting your heart, you know?

Other words can melt my heart too, but not in a good way. I’ve debated on whether to share this here, and I’m still not sure because my brain has been in a muddled whirlwind for the past few weeks and I’ll admit, I’m struggling.

Earlier last month, I finally got in to have an annual mammogram. I didn’t used to take them all that seriously, but I always tried to go when the doctor said to or a few months later. COVID pushed me back a bit, but at last I went. I never have any problems, so I just figured, get it over with.

I didn’t expect the phone call a few days later. “We need to have you come back to repeat the process and have an ultrasound.”

Oh. Okay.

A week later I returned for those retests. The result?

Come back in another week for a biopsy. That unnerved me a bit. I’ve had enough invasive tests and surgeries in my life to say that I never wanted any of it again. Ever.

But that was not to be. So I returned. In the waiting room, I could feel my anxiety rising, which is typical for me, but then I prayed, “Jesus, please be with me. I need your perfect peace.”

The experience was better than I expected. They were playing Christian classical music in the room, and though I was alone (as in no family was with me) I literally felt the presence of Jesus with me every step of the way. And I had none of the pain they expected me to have. Jesus literally took my normal anxiety and gave me His peace. I’ve never felt anything quite like it though I’ve been a Christian most of my life.

Funny, though. I had several Christian friends praying for me – of course, we want everything to be fine. But I wasn’t so sure it would be. Somehow I knew.

Last week I returned for the results. “Do you have good news for me?” I asked.

“I have news,” the doctor said.

I waited, already knowing what she was going to say. Yeah. She said that cancer word that I never wanted to hear.

Yesterday, we visited the surgeon’s office. Two hours later, I came away feeling less angst. Or maybe my mind is still muddled.

The good news is that 3-D mammograms really do their job of detecting early stage cancer. If I had waited, I would not have felt this until it was advanced. The other good news is that it’s very small and the prognosis is good. I still need surgery and maybe radiation, but God has given me a good doctor and so far, I have no real complaints – other than I never wanted to have this cancer word in my vocabulary.

They say it will take me a month to recover and then we’ll see. A lot depends on what is found during surgery, but the tentative scans look good. Maybe I’m supposed to slow down and take it easy this summer because frankly, my summer plans (and I had a few) just changed. I’m already envisioning watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy at least once and maybe Pride and Prejudice again. Since I rarely give myself permission to “waste” a day just watching a movie, now is my chance, yes?

I have hired a new assistant – right before this happened. I think God knew I was going to need some help and preplanned it. We’re just getting started, but I look forward to her helping in places where I can get overwhelmed.

I may go a little silent for a while as I figure this out. I really don’t know what to expect. But rather than words like “team of doctors”, “surgeon”, “oncologist”, and “hospitals”, I prefer, “peekaboo” and “keys” and baby laughter that makes me giggle.

I want to go back and undo whatever made this happen. But then, I’d like to do that with a lot of things in life that have broken my heart more than melted it in a joyful way. Coupled with my fibro pain – life isn’t super fun right now. But maybe it was never meant to be.

God keeps reminding me that He loves me and I need to grasp that with everything I have. I have Him beside me no matter where the future leads us. None of us knows what is around the next corner. It’s a zigzag road, this journey called life.

I just need reminding now and then that God is not surprised by the words I’d rather never hear. He’s still good and in control even if it feels like everything is falling apart. When my warrior prayers are reduced to “help me” prayers I am actually in a good place. Because when we stop trying to carry the burdens that won’t leave, when we lay them at Jesus’ feet to carry for us, when we can finally admit how very much we need Him, He hears our cries and He is not silent.

He sends friends to comfort, gives me His Word – the best words to hear – and I remember that the pain and suffering in this life are temporary. Temporary trials. Temporary life here. One day heaven.

In the meantime, I’d covet your prayers for our decisions and that I’d seek the best advice. I could also use prayer for my stress level. Pain tends to raise it – pain in any form – and I have it coming at me in more than one way. But it’s increased since going off of certain medications that I need. One more thing to figure out, yes?

I know many of you have faced far worse than I have or am facing in this moment. But I hope we all never undermine another person’s pain. We are all going to suffer in this life, some more than others. And I have no explanation as to why that is. We live in a fallen world and life is going to hit us hard one day. For me – this is just a blip on the radar and I have confidence that God will walk me through it. I may lose a summer, but I will certainly gain a new perspective. Maybe this will be the season for miracles! I hope so.

Because cancer is not a word I ever wanted attached to my vocabulary or my name. “Nana” sounds so much better.

Selah~