The Good and the Uncertain

You could say that the past few months have held a lot of uncertainties in our life. Yours too? Doesn’t it feel sometimes like they just keep on coming? That’s how it’s been around here in my not-so-great moments.

In my last post, I was heading off to surgery and today I had my post-op check with the surgeon. Yesterday, she called me to tell me the great news that the lymph nodes were benign and the margins were as clear as could be. Best possible outcome!

To say I was excited is an understatement. I wanted to tell the world, but I told only a few people. Somehow I felt like holding back until I saw her today was the wiser option. Probably a good thing that I did because now I have another prayer request to bring before you.

Before I do – can I just say how grateful I am to all of you who have prayed for me? I believe God answers prayer. He might not always give us what we want, but when it comes to our health, if we are His child, He will heal us one way or the other. We always hope it’s an earthly healing, of course, but sometimes healing comes in heaven – as happened for my family member three days after my surgery. As happened for another family member at the end of May and a friend that same week. I remind myself that life is temporary.

But I’m really hoping that is also true of cancer. Temporary cancer. Temporary trial. Anyone who has heard that “C” word feels the same.

That’s kind of how I felt in the surgeon’s office today. My celebration became frustration, then a bit of anger. It came when she mentioned another word I never wanted to hear – the possible “chemo” word. What? (That was not part of the equation in the first conversation. Totally downplayed to where I figured they just have to say that.)

It just so happens that my tumor was bigger than the first tests showed. It’s still small but now that it’s bigger than it was, they want to do another test. This test will show them (apparently) what the chances are of the cancer returning. They say that if you don’t do x, y, and z or x and y after surgery, the odds go up that it could come back somewhere else in your body. Who knew?

I could tell you that I handled this well but I’d be lying. I had already made certain decisions IF I got the outcomes she had said I had. So I walked in to her office expecting her to suggest a few things but assure me that since it looked so good the choice was up to me. I guess I don’t know doctors very well.

She was kind and understanding – I’d recommend her in a heartbeat. But this was not news I wanted to hear. Not on top of losing that family member and a few other things that have also come up this week. Sometimes we just don’t want to hear one more bad thing.

It was a really good thing that Randy was with me in the room. My logical, calm husband. He asked a few questions while I sat there crying. He totally supports whatever I want to do, which I love about him. (Among many other things!)

We asked questions, but in the end decided to have that stupid (yes, that’s how I feel about it) test done. Knowledge is power, as my son reminded me. So knowing all we can know is wise, right? Even if I’d rather be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand about now.

I have two weeks to wait until I get results of that test. They have to ship it across the country to where my kids live. Then I’ll know what the numbers tell them.

So here is my prayer request. Please pray for really, really low numbers. The lower the better because it means there is much less of a chance of it recurring somewhere else. I know God might have other plans for my life and He might say “no” to this plea, but I’m asking you to pray for “yes” anyway. And ultimately, to pray for God’s will to be done. Why? Because prayer brings us into a better relationship with God. I’m not looking for a genie in the sky to drop all good things into my lap. He is Sovereign and my life is in His hands.

In fact, as we walked out of the office and I had another pity party in the car, I finally calmed down and we went grocery shopping. (I’m sick of sitting.) I had a long list, but in a crazy weird flip of my delete key, I accidentally deleted half of my list! Of course I couldn’t remember what was on it. Next time I’ll make a duplicate!

As I stood in the aisle and looked for something I managed not to delete, I heard myself inwardly praying – I’m not even sure I intended to do so – but I remembered the verse, “My times are in your hands,” and I just gave in. “Okay, Lord, whatever you want to happen or whatever lies ahead, it’s in your hands.” And you know? I trust Him.

I might not get the low numbers I want. I pray I do. We all want that if we’re faced with such a thing. But I guess this is my year of learning that what I really want is my relationship with God to be what He wants it to be. We’ve faced a lot of trying times already this year and I see a few more possible things unrelated to cancer that could be on the horizon that I’m not going to like. Maybe not. But the indicators are there.

So this is my good and my uncertain right now. I did start writing again – a little. But we have a funeral ahead, so maybe next week. Right now I need to wrap my mind around how good God still is even in our trials.

If you read biblical fiction besides mine and follow Connilyn Cossette on Twitter, you will have seen that she is also facing breast cancer right now. Her road looks longer than mine and I’ve been praying for her since I heard. Here is the link to her letter about it. I hope you will join me in praying for her as well.

Conni ended with a song by one of my favorite artists, Lauren Daigle, singing one of my favorite songs. I will end with it here. Thank you so much for your support and prayers.

#livegrace #pray #cancer #godisgreater #godissovereign #eveninthis