Church Hurt

When I was growing up, most people went to church on Sunday. They didn’t question whether or not they wanted to go–it was a given that you would be there.

I remember my mom telling me about one of my great aunts who would check up on her and my dad to make sure they were in church and if they weren’t, they had better have a good reason! Back then, churches were the social lifeblood of society. When the doors opened, people attended. Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night for prayer meetings. Youth group activities added another day sometimes, but it was all part of normal life.

My husband and I met through the church, were married in the church, and took our kids to weekly services. By the time our kids came along though, things were changing. Wednesday prayer meetings came to end, perhaps because people weren’t all that interested in corporate prayer. Sunday evenings were replaced with small groups or youth activities.

We were committed to church because we loved Jesus and Scripture teaches us to gather together. Unfortunately, our life experience in church has not always been good.

We’ve all heard about abusive churches or churches that cause a lot of hurt. I wish I could say that I had no idea what that feels like. But I’d be lying.

When I was young, I remember sitting through church business meetings with my parents. The infighting among the members was beyond frustrating to me and even more so to my dad, who was a church deacon/elder. While I loved going to church, I had an early taste of what those who tried to serve and lead put up with.

My husband came to faith in his early twenties at a Christian camp. The people in charge there told him to seek a church when he returned home. They suggested a place, so he went to visit. He walked into the middle of a church split. Not the best environment for a new believer.

He tried another church, which is where we met, so while we had both tasted some of the bad, God used the struggles to bring us together, which was good!

But over the years, we’ve continued to struggle to find a place that felt like home. A family of believers where we could remain. No one likes to look like they are church hoppers. I’m sure people could label us that, but every time we moved to a new location, the reasons were not trivial.

Without going into great detail, here are a few of those reasons:

1. Elders mishandled a serious issue that involved a person we loved–and the sermons went from solid Bible teaching to condemning those who disagreed with the leadership.
2. Another church split (different church) caused by one of the associate pastors. Going to church felt like walking into a funeral every week afterward, and it was not a great place to raise young children.
3. After years of serving and raising our children in another church, we saw first-hand the pastor growing arrogant and angry when things didn’t go his way. We quietly resigned our positions of leadership and left, only to receive letters from both pastors that were anything but kind.  It took a while to get past, in all honesty.
4. Lastly, a youth pastor committed acts of criminal sexual behavior. His history showed that concerns were raised but neither church he worked in took the concerns seriously or they mishandled them.  

Not all leaders who say they want transparency and openness, actually do. If you find something of serious concern–such as grooming behavior in a leader of a church, take care in how you handle that concern. Do the leaders, once they are aware of a situation, protect the leadership or the flock?

Then again, if your concern is just a personal preference, don’t spend your time complaining about it. We’ve seen church members infighting and leaders causing dissension. Neither one of them pleases the Lord.

But if God is showing you valid reasons for walking away, then go where He leads you. There is no perfect church, and “unity” should not be used as a club to keep complaints from happening. Sometimes the people in the congregation can see things the leaders cannot, and sharing legitimate concerns is not wrong.

Just don’t walk away from Jesus because His people have hurt you.

Jesus is just as grieved, even more so, over those who claim His Name but do not obey His Words. The church–those who truly know the living, risen Christ–are here to spread the good news that He loves you. He came to reconcile each of us to God, His Father. The leaders of each local church are supposed to equip believers to live the lives God wants them to live.

I know Christians will let us down. I’ve been there. I’m sure I’ve let others down as well. Not everyone who attends a church or is involved in its leadership are believers. We know what church is supposed to look like, and when it doesn’t we can grow so weary that we never want to step across the threshold of a church building again. Especially when the things suffered have affected our own children.

I get that. I’ve felt it and still feel that sense of protectiveness for the victims of abusive leaders wherever they are found. And I know there are more serious examples of church abuse than I’ve named here. If you find out there is a child predator or leader who seduces women  in your midst, don’t take that lightly. Even after the perpetrator is gone.

Jesus sent a clear warning to anyone who would mislead a child.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

True victims, especially children, need protection, and statistics show that less than 3% of allegations are false. If a child raises a concern, believe them. 

We must be discerning.

Remember…churches will always fail us. Jesus will not.

Jesus still wants you, even if you left a church building years ago and shook the dust from your feet. Find that path again and seek the truth that is Jesus. Let Him heal your church hurt and all of the wounds in your broken heart and life.

Jesus will never leave us or forsake us. Let’s not forsake Him because His people fall short of what we had hoped they would be.

~Selah

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